Comment Wall

This image comes from Chotda on Flickr
Here is a link to my Portfolio. Please feel free to leave feedback! :)

Comments

  1. Hi Linsey! You have created such a wonderful story. I love how you have created your story like a young adult romance novel. You made a crucial episode of the Ramayana more relatable to the audience, which was so great! I also really love the image you chose for the Home Page! In the paragraph that begins with "Sienna Brinkley was the most popular..." I was confused for a second that the point of view changed from Raymond to Sienna. I see that the story is written in the 3rd person, but maybe it could help the reader if there was a clearer break between the perspectives? Such as having a Part 1 and Part 2 to the story. Furthermore, what if the dad of Sienna opposed her going to the prom? What would have happened? I see that her mom loved the idea, but what about her dad? These were just some of my opinions! Overall, you have created a wonderful Portfolio!

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  2. Okay, my first comment is about how amazing your comment wall link is! I want to know how you did this?? I'm on your portfolio and the comment wall at the same time?!? Like, it's for real amazing. And your homepage is very cute, but I did notice a spelling error (edited). I wonder if you could write a little introduction? I don't know the requirements for the portfolio, but it might help to mention what type of stories we will be reading on the site!
    As for your first story, I really enjoyed it. Making Rama and Sita YA characters is really fun and interesting. I wish that this story was longer though! You have a lot of opportunity to create some fun moments. Like, I wonder what Ralph and Sienna say to each other? Does he hit her with a cheesy pick up line? Do they share a romantic kiss? And what about Sienna's parents? Why are they so overprotective?
    Also, Ralph is lame for not going an over the top promposal. In my opinion, that's very true to Rama's character (he kinda sucks), but I think it would be fun to use this trope. I hope you keep working with these characters, and I can't wait to read more stories!

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  3. Hi Linsey,

    You have a great parallel here between the Rama/Sita meeting and your teens. The glowing skin and the eyes locking across field matched the Rama/Sita story really well. I'm curious why you downplayed the teen angst in the story. Sita gets ridiculously angsty in epic, but Sierra is super low-key. One way you could connect this back to Indian mythology and create a conversation that is valid in modern terms is by making your main characters Indian Americans who's parents don't want them to date because they want their children to uphold the traditions of arranged marriage (TRADITION! Please tell me you've watched Fiddler on the Roof!). Those are just thoughts. My only criticisms are that you need to check your tense and you need to proofread word by word. Is this supposed to be in past tense or present tense?

    Thanks for sharing! This is going to be so adorable when you're done. I'm interested in seeing what you'll do with Lakshmana.

    -Eden

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  5. Linsey! First of all, I would like to say that your cover page for your website was something that stood out for me the most. One of the things that I found most interesting was how you added a little mini-webpage that links directly to the comment wall page from your blog itself. That way, the reader doesn't need to go to a different web page when they are trying to provide their comments as to how you can improve it! This was a fantastic idea.
    Next, your story was something refreshing in terms of the different setting and characters that was a reiteration/alternation of the original story as to how Rama and Sita met! I found it fascinating that you transformed the original setting, and transplaced it with something more modern as well as the usage of "modern" names like Raymond. Something I wonder though is that what made you think of using Texas as the setting, or of Westmont High School? Was this something reminiscent of your childhood? If so, I think it's intriguing how you connected this story with something that you've experienced before! This makes the story just as much more personable.

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  6. Howdy Linsey,
    Firstly, did you have a specific high school in Texas in mind when you set out to write this? I am from Fort Worth and have seen a number of these beefy high schools. I’m curious to see if the Texas environment will creep into your writing in any other capacity. I’m excited to hear more about Lakshmana; I feel like he didn’t get a ton of attention in the stories themselves. What was your original motivation when you started writing this? I feel like that could give a bit of insight into your writings. It seemed as though Raymond and Sienna hit things off pretty quickly- will we get any further insight into their early development stages, or is the focus more on their time together as a formed couple? I think you’ve got a good foundation for a portfolio here, it’ll be fun to keep up with this project as it grows, good luck!

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  7. As I click on the link to go to your site, I noticed you had a clever wall of adding your comment wall at the bottom which makes it easy to go to. Great thinking! Something about the picture in your story really pops out and it feels almost three-dimensional as I scrolled down to begin reading.
    Initially, as I read, I thought your story sounded like the beginning setting to a horror movie. I quickly realized this was not the case as it came to be about a story of meeting. I liked how you developed your story by providing some extraneous details. I must admit, I did get a bit confused at some points, as some of the punctuation seems to inflect unintended parts. However, I did enjoy how you gave a modern spin on the idea of Rama and Sita and I wonder if you were thinking of continuing with the story and how that story would turn out. Great job of writing this. Your development of a modern background while allowing the readers to create attachment to Raymond makes for an intriguing twist.

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  8. Hey Linsey! I love how you completely modernized this story! I played soccer in high school and am also from Texas so I really like how it was so easily relatable to me and that is something that is really powerful in story telling. While I like how you were able to make this story relatable, I wish that there was maybe something in this first part of the story that would really grab the readers attention. You will probably have this further on in your stories but I think that this introduction is missing a hook that will bring the reader in. I did like the surprise of Sienna's parents doing the improbable and letting her go to prom; however, this part of the story was a little jumbled which made it slightly difficult to get what was going on. I look forward to reading more of this story throughout the semester!

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  9. Hi Lindsey!
    First of all, I love how you can physically see the comment wall within your portfolio page. I am interested in attempting to embed something like this. From the start of this story, I can really get a feel for Raymond and Luke, their background, and the relationship they have with each other. These brothers are exposed to another new environment, at a crucial point in their development. Unfortunately, this is a very realistic type of story, that occurs for many young children around the world. I loved how you used this modern day concept. I love the imagery describing Sienna. The moment when they locked eyes seemed magical. As far as improvement, I felt like the ending felt a little bit abrupt. I would love to see what is to take place for Sienna and Raymond. And how does Luke fit into the picture? Do you have plans to elaborate in future stories? Great work!

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  10. Hey Linsey!

    First off, I like the layout of your webpage. It's certainly unique compared to the standard layouts I usually see, so it was refreshing to glance over. Your story was also fascinating to read. I love your modern take on the story of Rama and Sita meeting, it was definitely a different perspective. I've seen a lot of people put the stories of the Ramayana into a more modern setting, and I think this is a great idea as it makes the stories not only more relatable but also easier to follow. One suggestion I might add is to possibly include some dialogue in your stories so that we might get a feel of each character's point of view. I know this is something that was generally left out in the Ramayana, so your version is certainly on brand with that, but for the sake of making it more relatable some dialogue might be beneficial. Keep up the good work though!

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  11. Hey, Linsey!
    Wow, I really love the layout of your entire storytelling page! I love that your comment wall is embedded into the site. It saves opening multiple tabs, thanks for that! Haha. I am obsessed with your entire storybook, your writing, and the overall theme of everything. I love the alternate perspective that you have on your story, and this is certainly a theme that I have minimal prior knowledge on. I am super excited to see where your storybook is going to go here in the next few weeks as I loved your first story. I really have a lot to learn from your writing style and how you so seamlessly incorporate dialogue into your stories. You have such a knack for writing. This is definitely the type of story that I would show my class in conjunction to a world literature section in class, as a future english teacher.
    Overall, you did an absolutely fantastic job, and I will certainly be checking back in with the weeks to come to see where this goes.

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  12. Linsey,

    I like your choice in photos for your project. I also really like the side panel you have that allows people to navigate anywhere in your project from any page. I'm a fan of things like that that make life easier. That said, I have a little feedback for you:
    1. Re-read your writing. You have more than a few instances where I assume auto-correct over stepped its boundaries. For example, "after they boys' first day" appears at the beginning of the second paragraph. In the first paragraph, you have "hoping that they would say at their new school." My personal favorite one was "tourblemaker" in your fourth paragraph. Just re-read your writing to catch some small mistakes.
    2. Avoid run-on sentences. The third paragraph alone have two such run-on sentences.
    3. Without trying to be rude, how does your story relate to the story of how Rama and Sita met? Beyond the story being about a boy meeting a girl and some creativity in the naming of the characters, I'm not seeing the connection. Could you add a part about Raymond "winning" Sienna hand by impressing her in a soccer game? I see you sort of did that, but could you add something to make that clearer? You could add a line when she states "Wow. He's so good at soccer. He's also cute. Ladies, he's mine." Something to that effect could help capture that idea of Rama being strong enough to pull back a bow that no one else could to win Sita over.
    Otherwise, you have a great project. I like it so far. Good job!

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  13. Hi Lindsey!
    Great job on your story. This was a great retelling of Rama and Sita meeting for the first time. I really enjoyed just how descriptive you were with Sienna's beauty. "She had voluminous, long, curly hair that reaches the small of her back. She had the most beautiful blue eyes that Raymond could have only ever imagined to be on a painting in some fancy museum. Her skin was glowing, and she was standing among her group of friends, laughing, grinning from ear to ear the most beautiful smile." You absolutely knocked it out of the park with this segment of your story. I can visualize everything about her just from this. I do not have too much criticism or many things I would change. I think it would benefit the story if you had more pictures included between paragraphs. Characters would be hard to find images that would translate to this story, but things like a soccer field or sports complex would help emphasize setting. The other only little thing is that in the last paragraph of the story you have the phrase "too yound" rather than "too young". Overall awesome work!

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